You saw something this week that reminded you of an old friend. A song, a street, a joke only the two of you would get. You thought about texting. Then you thought: it's been so long, they're probably busy, it might be weird. And the moment passed.
It might not have been weird at all.
We underestimate how much people appreciate hearing from us
In 2022, Peggy Liu and colleagues published research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology based on 13 preregistered experiments with nearly 6,000 participants. Participants were assigned to either reach out to someone or be the person contacted. In some studies, people reached out to real friends and acquaintances.
People who reached out consistently underestimated how much the other person appreciated it. The gap was largest when the contact was a surprise rather than part of a regular pattern, and when the two people weren't especially close. In other words, the friend you haven't spoken to in a while may be exactly the person who'd be gladdest to hear from you.
The message you think is too small might mean more than you realize.
Why it matters
Adult friendships often fade without any falling out. Life just gets full. Work, moves, caring for others and the project you're trying to protect all compete for the same hours. A quick, unexpected message is one of the easiest ways to keep a connection alive, and this research suggests it's usually welcome.
It also works in the other direction. Think about how you feel when someone you haven't heard from in a while sends a kind note out of nowhere. Most people remember that warm surprise. Your friend is likely to feel the same, even if they don't say so at length.
Easy ways to reach out
- Send the reminder. "Saw this and thought of you" with a photo or a link.
- Name a memory. "I was just thinking about that road trip. Hope you're well."
- Share good news about them. Congratulate them on something you saw.
- Keep it low-pressure. Make it clear they don't owe you a long reply.
- Suggest a next step only if you want one. A call, a coffee, or just keeping in touch.
Where an accountability partner helps
Reaching out is easy to put off indefinitely. An accountability partner can help you choose who to reach out to and cheer you on when you hit send. They can also remind you that relationships are part of the life you're building, not a distraction from it. Some people add one "reach out" to their weekly goals alongside their other commitments.
This week
Think of one person who has crossed your mind recently but you haven't contacted in a while. Send them a short message today. Notice how they respond, and how you feel after.