A friend calls to talk through a hard decision. Within a minute you're offering solutions: have you tried this, you should do that. You mean well. But by the end of the call, they sound more frustrated than when they started, and you're not sure why.
Sometimes what people need most isn't advice. It's to feel heard.
What listening does
Organizational psychologists Guy Itzchakov and Avraham Kluger have studied what happens when people are truly listened to. In a 2018 Harvard Business Review article, they described their research comparing speakers who talked to an attentive listener with speakers who talked to a distracted one.
When people felt listened to with attention and without judgment, they tended to feel more relaxed and less defensive, more aware of their own strengths and weaknesses, and more willing to reflect. The researchers found similar results in studies with employees in real workplaces.
They contrast this with feedback. Kluger's earlier review of hundreds of feedback experiments found that feedback sometimes made performance worse, especially when it felt like a threat to how people saw themselves. Listening, by contrast, can help people work things out for themselves.
Their research focused on work settings, but the lesson travels: the people in your life are more likely to open up, and think clearly, when they feel heard.
Being heard is often the help people were looking for.
How to listen well
- Put the phone away and turn toward the person.
- Let them finish. Resist the urge to jump in with a fix.
- Ask open questions. "What feels hardest about it?" invites more than "Why don't you just...?"
- Reflect back what you heard. "It sounds like you're torn between staying and leaving."
- Ask before advising. "Do you want ideas, or do you mainly want to talk it through?"
Let yourself be heard, too
If you're usually the listener for everyone else, it matters to have places where you get listened to as well. Your goals and worries deserve that kind of attention. Notice who in your life listens to you this way, and make a little more time for them.
Where an accountability partner helps
This is a big part of what a good accountability partner does. They're someone in your corner who listens to what's getting in your way, without judging, and helps you think it through. Feeling heard about your goals can make it easier to see your own next step.
This week
In your next important conversation, try listening without offering a solution for the first five minutes. Reflect back one thing you heard. Notice how the other person responds, and how close you feel by the end.