Your day starts with messages and ends with messages. In between there are meetings, calls, conversations and people who need you. By evening, you're wired and tired at the same time. You can't remember the last time you were alone with your own thoughts for more than a few minutes, unless you count the shower.
A short stretch of time alone might be one of the simplest things you can give yourself.
What one set of studies found
In 2018, psychologists Nguyen, Ryan and Deci published research in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin on how time alone affects mood. In a series of studies, people spent time by themselves and rated their feelings before and after.
They found what they called a deactivation effect: solitude tended to lower high-arousal feelings, both positive ones like excitement and negative ones like anxiety or anger. The effect showed up when people were alone, but not when they were with another person. In a later study, people who were invited to choose what to think about, or to focus on positive thoughts, kept more of their positive energy. And when people chose to be alone, rather than being told to, solitude brought more relaxation and less stress.
A 2024 study that followed people through their day found they were more likely to want time alone when they were feeling stressed or upset. So solitude isn't about feeling happier in the moment. It's about settling down.
Being alone isn't the same as being lonely. Sometimes it's how you come back to yourself.
Why this belongs in a spiritual life
Many traditions value quiet time alone: prayer, meditation, a walk, a moment of stillness before the day starts. For people whose days are full of others' needs, a few minutes of solitude can be a way to hear your own thoughts again, including the ones about what you want for your life.
How to make room for solitude
- Start with ten minutes. Sit somewhere comfortable, without your phone, screen or a task. Just be there.
- Choose a spot. A chair by a window, a bench, your car before you go inside, a quiet corner at lunch.
- Let your thoughts go where they want, or, if you prefer, bring something you'd like to reflect on.
- Make it a rhythm. The same time each day helps it become a habit, not a luxury.
- Notice how you feel afterward. Calmer? Clearer? Restless at first? All of these are useful information.
If solitude feels uncomfortable, or if you already spend a lot of time alone and feel isolated, this may not be the practice you need right now. Connection matters too.
Where an accountability partner helps
It can feel odd to involve someone else in time that's just for you, but it helps to have someone in your corner. An accountability partner can encourage you to protect those minutes, listen if you want to share what came up in them, and remind you that your quiet time matters when everyone else's needs start crowding it out.
This week
Choose three days this week to spend ten minutes alone with no phone or task. Before and after, rate how wound up you feel from 1 to 10. At the end of the week, look at what changed.